Phoenix
07-29-2009, 11:26 AM
I'm gonna own up and say this is my own bullshit, but you have to laugh at the pure epic fail of it. And now, without further bullshit interruptions, I give you my modern-day commentary on my really old bullshit!
It began in a dark alley,
OMG!! SUPERHERO JON MIGHT GET ROBBED!!!! RUNN!!!!
There I was fighting Sequel Police Cyborgs
You mean like the ones from Space Quest IV?
I turned my arm into a laser
You mean like Cyborg from Teen Titans?
And Zap! I blew the heads off those stupid robots, and there was silence.
Damn, I'm good!
But not for long,
JESUS! Why is it everytime I fix something it just falls apart again?
Out of the shadows comes this Huge Vampire!
Vampires. How original.
, He knocked me on the head. In addition, he took me to his layer of the undead (as in Vampires).
Note to self: learn the word "and".
Damn, we need a bridge for all this space.
After Hours of being out cold I realized I was in a huge cage with millions of people,
An underground cage with millions of people in it? Well, let's just float too.
I quickly turned on my jet boots and shouted,
DAMN THAT WAS FAST!
"Those humans are so dumb I bet that if you spared their lives they would do anything.
Yea, let's insult the thing we're protecting.
But I am not human I am a Super Hero and as A Super Hero I will not allow that."
Perhaps I'm from Krypton, or as the original quote read:
But I am not human I am a Dashonian and as A Dashonian I will not allow that."
See, add an -I to my name and suddenly I'm from a different planet. BTW, Dashopia is the earlier name for Xictillis. It supposedly had two different names before even that, in order, Dashtopia, and Dashonia.
I quickly turned my arm into a laser
Or maybe I turned into a green elephant like Beast Boy.
and zapped those vampires.
WOODEN STAKE VISION!
But wait what’s this nobody could survive a blast like that
Failure to kill the undead. Typical.
The Vampire Master laughed and said,"You are sooooooooooooo stupid a cat is smarter than you."
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why did that need so many Os? Also, what's with the cat? I mean, really? Dumber than a bean pole? Dumber than a flea? But no, dumber than a cat. Nice.
In addition, I quickly replied, "YOU'RE GOING TO REGET THAT."
Because I've had so much luck killing vampires before...
I turned my arm into a circular saw. In addition, said, "EAT MY DUST."
Yes, it's the ARM-SWITCH THING I got from some random dude named Brandon.
I cut through everyone of them. But they were still there,
FAIL
They got every thing they could stand on, and pulled me down from the ceiling,
Damn? No Texan vampires with lassos?
and Strapped me to a conveyor belt meant to suck the blood out of people
Like the one from Buffy?
the needles were as sharp as swords
Punctuation fail.
so, I amazingly pulled one arm out (I could have escaped)
Because here in 5-year-old land, we don't give a FUCK about the laws of physics.
but I wanted to trick them so, I pressed a button and said, "Computer ACTIVATE SHIELD 1401."
WTF is it with me and the number 1401? Seriously.
and the vampires just laughed their heads off and strapped me back in,
Because that worked so well the first time
and when I got to the needle point where it would suck the blood out of me. They stopped laughing
RANDOM PERIOD TIME!
because when the needles got to me they went down to my skin and KAPOW! The needles shattered,
Magical force field from nowhere shatters needles. Go figure.
I quickly turned on my jet boots an turned my arm into a laser once again,
Isn't it nice how I can just turn random parts of my body into whatever the hell I want?
and
POW! I blasted a hole in the selling
Did I now? What is this? A blood deal?
and made my escape to my TOP SECRET! Tree house in Mongolia (its way better then that cardboard box you got going in the backyard)
Apparently I liked that phrase: "It's way better than that cardboard box you got going in the backyard" so much when I heard it on a Cartoon Network commercial, I can't write a story with out it. And why Mongolia? India not good enough for you?
So I Flew To Mongolia To Find Out More information on Vampires anyway, I found out that vampires could be killed one of two ways number
1. Kill the Vampire by taking a Stake to its heart and driving it through (note this leaves a bunch of sawdust on the floor)
2. Using holy items such as, anointmant oil, Holy water, or a Cross.
I'm a highly intelligent being from a highly sophisticated planet, and I don't know the nature of vampires. Riiiight.
I stepped over to the radar to see what there was on it (I was going to fight the Vampires but there were giant meteors headed straight for the earth I said, “I gotta Go kick some meteor butt.”
Fuckin God. Not only did he send random meteors after me so I couldn't stop the vampires, he also made me make a run-on.
and, I was off. I took the xj710233 shuttle
The what?
to get to space I was sure I brought the EVA suit so I can use my lasers in space I reached coordinates 1853924544 and put on the EVA suit
READ: Mathematics each of a group of numbers used to indicate the position of a point, line, or plane.
That's only one number. And why the fuck would I understand what an EVA suit is?
I quickly went out side,
DAMNIT JON! DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO FORGET YOUR TETHER?
and I turned my arm into a Plasma
Cannon and thought, Hmm I wonder if that would work on vampires, oh probably not
I may be wrong, but didn't I already try that on the vampires?
ZAP! Ha! Ha! Ha! That works every time. That was easy. Too easy!
YOU IDIOT!!! NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
There was silence and out of the shadows
Because space has shadows
comes this big Riosninfinscoff
(Pronounced Rio sniff in scoff)
A WHAT?
Again with the spaces!
In addition, he knocked me out with a BIG PIECE OF METAL.
SPACEAPALOOZA!!!
After hours, I woke up in the last place you would be kidnapped to A Church. Too bad, it was a vampire blood shrine. Two vampires bit me at the same time, I began to transform into a vampire.
The magical Riosniffinscoff came all the way to space just to turn me into a vampire. And two? WTF?
I then went to see The Great Gabriel the Wizard
Because only 8-year-old me can insert random characters with no introduction.
for him to change me back. I was almost half Vampire Oh NO! He turned me back to a human (Thank God).
This great wizard turned me back into a human, even though I was originally a Dashonian. Yep.
So, I went to Brandon's Weapons Store to examine a Steak I bought one and put it on me Arm switch thing I Got from Leslie.
Oh, ok, I got the wooden stake from Brandon, I got the ARM SWITCH THING from Leslie. More random people.
And I went to the vampire layer.
Because I had too many problems finding vampires on the moon.
However, while I was going I fell into a time rip. It took me to Xenon about in Space Quest XII Vohual's Revenge II.
Damn Sequel Police.
So I jumped back in now
Damn, I'm fast!
I was in the vampire layer and I killed all the vampires and set free all of the citizens.
Go figure.
But one was still in there I said, "it's ok little girl you can come out."
Afraid to not hang around for vampire reinforcements.
So she came out. In addition, went to town.
What a little whore. Really, what did I mean by this?
But one thousand more vampires came out and I kicked their butts and we all lived happily ever after (For Now)
What a lovely (and blunt) ending.
And if you think that's bullshit, just wait till you hear It Began, which happens to be the second "book", that really doesn't qualify as a short story, that I wrote.
It began in a dark alley,
OMG!! SUPERHERO JON MIGHT GET ROBBED!!!! RUNN!!!!
There I was fighting Sequel Police Cyborgs
You mean like the ones from Space Quest IV?
I turned my arm into a laser
You mean like Cyborg from Teen Titans?
And Zap! I blew the heads off those stupid robots, and there was silence.
Damn, I'm good!
But not for long,
JESUS! Why is it everytime I fix something it just falls apart again?
Out of the shadows comes this Huge Vampire!
Vampires. How original.
, He knocked me on the head. In addition, he took me to his layer of the undead (as in Vampires).
Note to self: learn the word "and".
Damn, we need a bridge for all this space.
After Hours of being out cold I realized I was in a huge cage with millions of people,
An underground cage with millions of people in it? Well, let's just float too.
I quickly turned on my jet boots and shouted,
DAMN THAT WAS FAST!
"Those humans are so dumb I bet that if you spared their lives they would do anything.
Yea, let's insult the thing we're protecting.
But I am not human I am a Super Hero and as A Super Hero I will not allow that."
Perhaps I'm from Krypton, or as the original quote read:
But I am not human I am a Dashonian and as A Dashonian I will not allow that."
See, add an -I to my name and suddenly I'm from a different planet. BTW, Dashopia is the earlier name for Xictillis. It supposedly had two different names before even that, in order, Dashtopia, and Dashonia.
I quickly turned my arm into a laser
Or maybe I turned into a green elephant like Beast Boy.
and zapped those vampires.
WOODEN STAKE VISION!
But wait what’s this nobody could survive a blast like that
Failure to kill the undead. Typical.
The Vampire Master laughed and said,"You are sooooooooooooo stupid a cat is smarter than you."
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why did that need so many Os? Also, what's with the cat? I mean, really? Dumber than a bean pole? Dumber than a flea? But no, dumber than a cat. Nice.
In addition, I quickly replied, "YOU'RE GOING TO REGET THAT."
Because I've had so much luck killing vampires before...
I turned my arm into a circular saw. In addition, said, "EAT MY DUST."
Yes, it's the ARM-SWITCH THING I got from some random dude named Brandon.
I cut through everyone of them. But they were still there,
FAIL
They got every thing they could stand on, and pulled me down from the ceiling,
Damn? No Texan vampires with lassos?
and Strapped me to a conveyor belt meant to suck the blood out of people
Like the one from Buffy?
the needles were as sharp as swords
Punctuation fail.
so, I amazingly pulled one arm out (I could have escaped)
Because here in 5-year-old land, we don't give a FUCK about the laws of physics.
but I wanted to trick them so, I pressed a button and said, "Computer ACTIVATE SHIELD 1401."
WTF is it with me and the number 1401? Seriously.
and the vampires just laughed their heads off and strapped me back in,
Because that worked so well the first time
and when I got to the needle point where it would suck the blood out of me. They stopped laughing
RANDOM PERIOD TIME!
because when the needles got to me they went down to my skin and KAPOW! The needles shattered,
Magical force field from nowhere shatters needles. Go figure.
I quickly turned on my jet boots an turned my arm into a laser once again,
Isn't it nice how I can just turn random parts of my body into whatever the hell I want?
and
POW! I blasted a hole in the selling
Did I now? What is this? A blood deal?
and made my escape to my TOP SECRET! Tree house in Mongolia (its way better then that cardboard box you got going in the backyard)
Apparently I liked that phrase: "It's way better than that cardboard box you got going in the backyard" so much when I heard it on a Cartoon Network commercial, I can't write a story with out it. And why Mongolia? India not good enough for you?
So I Flew To Mongolia To Find Out More information on Vampires anyway, I found out that vampires could be killed one of two ways number
1. Kill the Vampire by taking a Stake to its heart and driving it through (note this leaves a bunch of sawdust on the floor)
2. Using holy items such as, anointmant oil, Holy water, or a Cross.
I'm a highly intelligent being from a highly sophisticated planet, and I don't know the nature of vampires. Riiiight.
I stepped over to the radar to see what there was on it (I was going to fight the Vampires but there were giant meteors headed straight for the earth I said, “I gotta Go kick some meteor butt.”
Fuckin God. Not only did he send random meteors after me so I couldn't stop the vampires, he also made me make a run-on.
and, I was off. I took the xj710233 shuttle
The what?
to get to space I was sure I brought the EVA suit so I can use my lasers in space I reached coordinates 1853924544 and put on the EVA suit
READ: Mathematics each of a group of numbers used to indicate the position of a point, line, or plane.
That's only one number. And why the fuck would I understand what an EVA suit is?
I quickly went out side,
DAMNIT JON! DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO FORGET YOUR TETHER?
and I turned my arm into a Plasma
Cannon and thought, Hmm I wonder if that would work on vampires, oh probably not
I may be wrong, but didn't I already try that on the vampires?
ZAP! Ha! Ha! Ha! That works every time. That was easy. Too easy!
YOU IDIOT!!! NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
There was silence and out of the shadows
Because space has shadows
comes this big Riosninfinscoff
(Pronounced Rio sniff in scoff)
A WHAT?
Again with the spaces!
In addition, he knocked me out with a BIG PIECE OF METAL.
SPACEAPALOOZA!!!
After hours, I woke up in the last place you would be kidnapped to A Church. Too bad, it was a vampire blood shrine. Two vampires bit me at the same time, I began to transform into a vampire.
The magical Riosniffinscoff came all the way to space just to turn me into a vampire. And two? WTF?
I then went to see The Great Gabriel the Wizard
Because only 8-year-old me can insert random characters with no introduction.
for him to change me back. I was almost half Vampire Oh NO! He turned me back to a human (Thank God).
This great wizard turned me back into a human, even though I was originally a Dashonian. Yep.
So, I went to Brandon's Weapons Store to examine a Steak I bought one and put it on me Arm switch thing I Got from Leslie.
Oh, ok, I got the wooden stake from Brandon, I got the ARM SWITCH THING from Leslie. More random people.
And I went to the vampire layer.
Because I had too many problems finding vampires on the moon.
However, while I was going I fell into a time rip. It took me to Xenon about in Space Quest XII Vohual's Revenge II.
Damn Sequel Police.
So I jumped back in now
Damn, I'm fast!
I was in the vampire layer and I killed all the vampires and set free all of the citizens.
Go figure.
But one was still in there I said, "it's ok little girl you can come out."
Afraid to not hang around for vampire reinforcements.
So she came out. In addition, went to town.
What a little whore. Really, what did I mean by this?
But one thousand more vampires came out and I kicked their butts and we all lived happily ever after (For Now)
What a lovely (and blunt) ending.
And if you think that's bullshit, just wait till you hear It Began, which happens to be the second "book", that really doesn't qualify as a short story, that I wrote.