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Phoenix
12-08-2009, 08:06 PM
It's kind of a story I'm working on to rewrite and combine my ideas of what I used to actually think was reality into a story.

If you guys like it, I've got a bit more, if you don't I'll just shut up.


The emperor awoke to another typical day in the everlasting rut that was the empire of Xuipani. The sky was as black as usual, with the usual purple ion streaks and dirty yellow bolts of lightning painting the otherwise unnoticeable sky. The circular island, the only perfect thing about this particular god-forsaken barracks of Hell, was still unnoticeably, and inexplicably falling at a constant rate of six thousand miles per hour down a complete void. Xuipani was still tucked behind its celestial veil, a boundary separating it from any societies it may infect and kill like the virus that it is. The people of Xuipani, the Xuip, were all performing their daily sacrificial ritual on their fellow Xuip, for the blood on their walls had dried.
At the time, Xuinox, our emperor, was only of fifteen years of age since his sudden decision to exist. Xuinox was about twenty feet tall, and was a color that resembles a mix of maroon and blood. His figure consisted of the head of a dragon, a body that resembles hollow sandstone, and, however strange as it may seem, crystalline legs that form a point and resembled the crescent moon. For everything but his legs, Xuinox resembled the average Xuip. Xuinox was but two when he led a rebellion consisting of every Xuip in Xuipani against its last dreadful ruler.
When the last emperor died, he left behind a library on the topic of magic that would rival the library at Alexandria. Such a large amount of information, which the last emperor had left behind, could feasibly destroy the universe. After several months, Xuinox finally broke the hex that had previously sealed the lake of knowledge. Inside, Xuinox found information on an academy of the omnipotent. Xuinox had found his path to invulnerability.
Early the next morning, if indeed one can call a constant state of a cloudy midnight morning, Xuinox loaded his warship and headed for Kulalka IV. Upon arriving on Kulalka IV, Xuinox discovered the ruins of a university, buried under a sea of sand. Another excavation was necessary.

After several weeks, the university was finally uncovered. Xuinox entered the university only to find that what was thought of as sand was in all reality was a dust which creates an effect comparable to cryogenics without freezing. In short, it was a suspension dust. When all the dust was cleared out, the university of Ternxtra was able to resume as usua.l.
Ternxtra is an ancient mystic art. Although you may think of the mystic arts as one, there are many mystic arts which form a hierarchy of power. At the bottom is Xasi, a very form of magic which is limited to healing spells and very basic defense spells. Above that is Zarvitsa, a form of magic that can heal, but also has the potential to destroy a planet or small star. At the very top are the levels of Ternxtra, a form of magic lost to knowledge for thousands of years. Ternxtra is not only capable of resurrecting a body from simple molecules, but also of destroying the entire multiverse if placed in the wrong hands. One who wields Ternxtra is expressed as a Ternxtran of a certain amount of degrees. At its base, a first degree Ternxatran can not even teleport. At the top of the university’s scale, a tenth degree Ternxtran could do the worst and destroy the universe. If, however, by some odd chance a Ternxtran reaches the forbidden level eleven and is crossed, all one can do is pray, and even the might of the Almighty Himself may still not save you.
With the secret of Ternxtra in the hands of the wicked Xuinox, one might expect the story to end there. Xuinox, however, is not interested in killing, rather enslavement.

LedZap
12-08-2009, 08:15 PM
You actually though it was a reality ? Doesn't sound like a very nice place , but sure , I'd like to hear more.

Phoenix
12-08-2009, 08:53 PM
You actually though it was a reality ? Doesn't sound like a very nice place , but sure , I'd like to hear more.

See back when I thought this was a reality it basically went like this: I was the emperor and moved to Xictillis.....but I'm giving the plot away.
well I'll add what I've got so far and add more as I come up with it.

Carrot
12-10-2009, 06:55 AM
Maybe you can make it a short story with a moral and/or a plot rather than a story with wierd and quirky names as its main focus.

yee-haw
12-10-2009, 06:15 PM
Maybe you can make it a short story with a moral and/or a plot rather than a story with wierd and quirky names as its main focus.

Dude, It's Phoenix... It will never make any sense!

Baron Somebody
12-10-2009, 07:46 PM
Reading what you write makes me laugh for the overemphasis of the letter X lol

yee-haw
12-10-2009, 08:47 PM
Reading what you write makes me laugh for the overemphasis of the letter X lol

Sup punk, where have you been?

Baron Somebody
12-10-2009, 09:06 PM
Sup punk, where have you been?

Getting blowed as hell, writing, dealing with school

Phoenix
12-11-2009, 04:24 PM
Reading what you write makes me laugh for the overemphasis of the letter X lol

X Xon't Xnow Xhat Xhe Xuck Xou're Xalking Xbout.

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 03:17 PM
It's kind of a story I'm working on to rewrite and combine my ideas of what I used to actually think was reality into a story.
If you guys like it, I've got a bit more, if you don't I'll just shut up.

I though I may make some suggestions:

"The circular island, the only perfect thing about this particular god-forsaken barracks of Hell, was still unnoticeably, and inexplicably falling at a constant rate of six thousand miles per hour down a complete void."
I like the imagery of this but the basic premise reminds me of a movie called "Neverending Story"

"a body that resembles hollow sandstone

Doesn't hollow sandstone look just like solid sandstone?


"and, however strange as it may seem, crystalline legs that form a point and resembled the crescent moon."
The "however strange as it may seem" part throws me off. I would just describe him and let the reader see things as strange.

Xuinox entered the university only to find that what was thought of as sand was in all reality was a dust which creates an effect comparable to cryogenics without freezing. In short, it was a suspension dust.

The last bit there... In short... I would just identify it in the paragraph and go on with the description:
Example:

Xuinox entered the university only to find that what was thought of as sand was in all reality was suspension dust which .....
You then just pop into the next scene. I would like to know more like: How does it actually get to you, Can you be cured if it affects you? Why is it there? Who put it there? - you see? Also the cryogenics part... I think that pulls you away from the mystic world to one we know. I would just talk about its affects without it.

I can look at the rest but I dont want to tread on toes.

Phoenix
12-18-2009, 03:41 PM
I though I may make some suggestions:

"The circular island, the only perfect thing about this particular god-forsaken barracks of Hell, was still unnoticeably, and inexplicably falling at a constant rate of six thousand miles per hour down a complete void."
I like the imagery of this but the basic premise reminds me of a movie called "Neverending Story"
I don't know if I've seen it or not. I know we have it. I'll have to see what I can do to alter it.


"a body that resembles hollow sandstone

Doesn't hollow sandstone look just like solid sandstone?
Yea I think it does. I bet I was trying to be clever there in some way that I no longer recognize.



"and, however strange as it may seem, crystalline legs that form a point and resembled the crescent moon."
The "however strange as it may seem" part throws me off. I would just describe him and let the reader see things as strange.
I think what I need to do is describe the typical Xuip and then say something like "In most aspects, Xuinox resembled the average Xuip, however Xuinox had crystalline legs. All of the crystal in Xuip had been buried long ago as they reflected somehow emitted light, and that burned the Xuip."
..or something of the like that's better written, i.e. not straight off the top of my head


Xuinox entered the university only to find that what was thought of as sand was in all reality was a dust which creates an effect comparable to cryogenics without freezing. In short, it was a suspension dust.

The last bit there... In short... I would just identify it in the paragraph and go on with the description:
Example:

Xuinox entered the university only to find that what was thought of as sand was in all reality was suspension dust which .....
You then just pop into the next scene. I would like to know more like: How does it actually get to you, Can you be cured if it affects you? Why is it there? Who put it there? - you see? Also the cryogenics part... I think that pulls you away from the mystic world to one we know. I would just talk about its affects without it.
That makes sense.


I can look at the rest but I dont want to tread on toes.
Of course you aren't. You'd only get on my nerves if you weren't doing anything constructive with your criticism.

LedZap
12-18-2009, 03:44 PM
That would be me.

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 03:48 PM
I think what I need to do is describe the typical Xuip and then say something like "In most aspects, Xuinox resembled the average Xuip, however Xuinox had crystalline legs. All of the crystal in Xuip had been buried long ago as they reflected somehow emitted light, and that burned the Xuip."
..or something of the like that's better written, i.e. not straight off the top of my head

WOW - you wrote this off the top of your head? You have got a great imagination!

Yeah... I think going into more detail might be nice. This is otherworldly, therefore we don't have a contextual basis, so you have to create that image for us.



Of course you aren't. You'd only get on my nerves if you weren't doing anything constructive with your criticism.

Cool then i will look at the rest.

LedZap
12-18-2009, 03:52 PM
It's AWESOME...

http://i540.photobucket.com/albums/gg345/LedZap/Toms/Undergod.jpg

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 04:10 PM
Ternxtra is an ancient mystic art with an hierarchy of power. The lowest level of majic is know as Xasi which involves healing spells and very basic defense spells. Above that is Zarvitsa, a form of magic that can heal, but also has the potential to destroy a planet or small star. The most powerfull is called Ternxtra, a form of magic lost to knowledge for thousands of years. Ternxtra was not only capable of resurrecting a body from simple molecules, but it also holds the power to destroy the entire multiverse if placed in the wrong hands. The Ternxtra magic was known to have a hierarchy of levels measured in degrees. While a Ternxtra of the first degree could not even teleport a tenth degree Ternxtran could destroy the multiverse. If a Ternxtran made it to the forbidden eleventh level was crossed, all one can do is pray, and even the might of the almighty himself may not save you.

I have changed some things.

Phoenix
12-18-2009, 08:46 PM
The story line didn't come off the top of my head. I've been boiling this particular pot for several years. possibly even a decade of it evolving. I'm just trying to stitch together this nonsense.


Also, fun little tidbit about that piece.

When I wrote the names, I was really just making up new names for terms I've used internally for quite some time.

In fact, when I wrote the names down, it went something like this

Xasi - link to Wicca/Sorcery/Wizardry
Zarvitsa - link to witchcraft
Ternxtra - link to Spellcasting.

Yes I had this mystical little hierarchy going. Problem is that most people don't see any of these as different, so I had to invent new names for the same shit.

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 09:02 PM
It's AWESOME...

Where is that statue? What a great photograph!

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 09:05 PM
The story line didn't come off the top of my head. I've been boiling this particular pot for several years. possibly even a decade of it evolving. I'm just trying to stitch together this nonsense.

Also, fun little tidbit about that piece.

When I wrote the names, I was really just making up new names for terms I've used internally for quite some time.

In fact, when I wrote the names down, it went something like this

Xasi - link to Wicca/Sorcery/Wizardry
Zarvitsa - link to witchcraft
Ternxtra - link to Spellcasting.

Yes I had this mystical little hierarchy going. Problem is that most people don't see any of these as different, so I had to invent new names for the same shit.

Well you defiantly have an imaginative mind. Good work and keep it coming. I look forward to seeing your stuff in a book and later on a movie.

LedZap
12-18-2009, 09:12 PM
Where is that statue? What a great photograph!

It's amazing but I don't know where it's from.I picked up from a random image site...here's another from the same site...

http://i540.photobucket.com/albums/gg345/LedZap/Toms/Boatride.jpg

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 09:20 PM
It's amazing but I don't know where it's from.I picked up from a random image site...here's another from the same site...

Hell, that looks like Godzilla attacking the apostles.

BTW I looked it up, I find that the statue is in Key Largo, Florida or in the in the Mediterranean sea off San Fruttuoso. They are exact copies of each other.

Here is a weird video about it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkh7JzmjI_U

LedZap
12-18-2009, 09:26 PM
I'm pretty sure that image is from a very old painting.

beelzebub
12-18-2009, 09:40 PM
I'm pretty sure that image is from a very old painting.

I am not sure which comment you are referring to. On the BTW of my last post I was talking about the underwater photograph.

On the last picture you posted with the men in the boat and the creature behind them... It still looks like Godszilla attacking the apostles.

LedZap
12-18-2009, 09:57 PM
Yeah , the first one looks like a underwater photo. The second one looks like a photo of a very old painting depicting something out of Homer's "Odyssey."